What To Do When a Parent With Dementia Refuses Help
Coping with a parent who has dementia and refuses help can be incredibly challenging and emotional. Many families find themselves in this difficult situation, unsure of how to proceed. It’s important to approach this issue with patience, empathy, and the right information.
Advice for families of people living with Dementia
At Abbots Care, we can offer advice for families seeking help for their parent with dementia, especially when that parent feels strongly that they do not need help.
Understanding the underlying reasons behind their refusal is key to effectively managing the situation, and being aware of the range of specialised dementia care options available empowers families to approach the situation with confidence and clarity.
Most common reasons a parent with dementia may refuse help
It can feel heartbreaking watching a loved one begin to struggle with daily life, yet they firmly insist that they don’t need any help of support, It can often leave families feeling frustrated, worried, or guilty for wanting to intervene against their loved ones wishes. But understanding why your parent might be resistant to the idea of care is essential in finding a way forward that feels respectful, collaborative and effective. There are several common reasons why a parent with dementia may refuse help.
Denial
Denial is often a factor, as they may not fully recognise the extent of their condition. For lots of people living with dementia, denial is not stubbornness or a desire to be uncooperative. It’s a form of coping mechanism. Accepting help of care support means acknowledging something isn’t right, and that their body or mind is working differently to how it used to, which can feel like a rather daunting reality to face.
Whilst this denial might be effective at protecting their emotions in the short-term, it can make it incredibly hard for families to put the right care in place to support them. Trying to meet this denial with kindness and empathy, rather than confrontation, can often help them accept their new reality.
Fear
Sometimes, the resistance to external care can come from underlying fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing independence. Fear that this is the first step of being moved out of their home and into residential supported living. This might be voiced through concerns like “stop interfering with my life” or “I don’t want strangers in my house”.
These reactions often aren’t about the day-to-day practicalities of the care itself, but more often are about the emotional weight of what accepting care might represent. Accepting help can be daunting as it symbolises a loss of independence, but by offering reassurance that the carers are here to support their independence, not take away their freedom, you can help ease their worries.
Cognitive impairments
As Dementia progresses, cognitive impairments can lead to confusion, making understanding new situations, meeting new people and changes to routines overwhelming. Even adjustments which might feel small to you, like a new carer visiting or rearranging household furniture to improve mobility and safety, might cause your parent to feel frustrated or anxious.
Your loved one might not remember who someone is, why they are in their house, or insist they’ve done tasks or errands which you know they haven’t. This level of confusion and memory impairment can often make it harder for them to trust what’s happening and who they have around them, which can easily manifest itself as refusal to cooperate or accept help.
Embarrassment
You may have a parent who might feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit they need assistance. It can often be a difficult transition for parents to deal with going from the person who has always provided the care to their children, to having their children look after them. To find that suddenly they need help with personal care, finances, continence or mobility can feel humiliating.
They might often hide mistakes, avoid visitors, or refuse help with tasks that feel too personal, like washing or going to the bathroom. Trying to understand the delicate balance of pride, dignity and vulnerability associated with these sorts of daily activities can help you approach the situation with more sensitivity.
Understanding these underlying emotions is crucial in addressing their resistance and finding effective ways to provide support. When a parent refuses care, it is rarely about you or your actions. It’s built around the fear, confusion and challenging process of them letting go control over their own lives. So, how can you provide care for your parent with dementia whilst preserving their sense of dignity and independence?
How to Communicate to your parent with Empathy
Having conversations with your loved one about accepting help can be highly emotional. You’re driven by a desire to keep them safe, comfortable and supported, but they may be feeling hurt or defensive about the suggestion that they can’t cope.
Talking effectively with them isn’t just about the words you use, it’s about your tone of voice, timings, and deeper understanding of how your loved one feels. It’s essential to communicate with empathy and understanding to help navigate these discussions successfully with care and compassion.
Use simple, clear language
As dementia can impact memory and understanding, overly complicate explanations can feel overwhelming. Speak gently, using simple, short sentences to calmly explain why assistance is necessary, focusing on specific examples of how it can improve their quality of life, such as:
“Dad, having a carer come make meals for you means you’ll have more time to relax and enjoy your afternoon” rather than “you forget to turn the oven off and it’s going to cause and accident”. Keeping the tone positive and practical can help keep the conversation productive, rather than feeling like a criticism.
Reassurance & Validation
Help them to understand that their feelings are valid and understandable. For most parents, being told they need help can make them feel sad, frustrated or embarrassed, They might feel like they’re losing their independence, or worry that they’re becoming a burden to you.
By acknowledging their emotions rather than arguing against them, you can build trust, making them more receptive to accepting assistance.
Be patient and understanding
If your parent struggles to express themselves or become agitated during the conversation, ensure to remain patient with them It’s common to feel like conversations around care are often going in circles, as dementia can affect communication skills and emotional regulation, so it’s essential to approach these discussions with patience and compassion.
Keep your voice calm, maintain gentle, open body language, and avoid rushing the conversation. If they start to become agitated, try to step back, and perhaps revisit the conversation once they’ve had time to settle down again.
It’s also important to remember that feeling frustrated when you’re having these conversations doesn’t make you a bad child. It just reflects how emotionally challenging dementia can be for both the person with it and the loved ones trying their best to support them. You should be just as patient and understanding with yourself.
Involve your loved one in Decisions
Involving a parent in the decision-making process can provide them with a sense of control and dignity, which is particularly important when they are dealing with dementia. Even small choices can make a big difference in how your parent experiences and approaches their care.
Start by having an open and honest conversation about the different types of help available. Explain the benefits and purposes of each option clearly, and be sure to actively listen to their concerns and preferences. This approach not only respects their independence but also helps them feel valued and heard.
Offer them choices by presenting various care options, such as in-home care, live-in care, or periodic visiting care. Discuss the specific services each option provides, like assistance with daily activities, medical support, or companionship. You can then mix different types of care to create a routine that they find comfortable. For instance, they might feel ok with daily visits for assistance with household tasks and then weekly sessions for medical check-ups or physical therapy.
Listening to their preferences, and we mean really listening, will help your mum or dad feel more respected and valued. Promoting a sense of partnership and trust, makes the transition to receiving help smoother and more positive. It will help to reinforce that they still have choice about what goes on in their life, even as thigns start to change.
Introduce Help Gradually
Dementia often affects a person’s sense of familiarity and control, which can feel very unsettling. Introducing help gradually is a gentle and effective way to ease a parent into accepting assistance, especially if they are resistant at first. By starting with small, non-intrusive forms of support, you can gradually build their confidence and trust in the care process.
Begin by identifying areas where they may need assistance but would be less resistant to receiving help. This could include tasks such as light housekeeping or meal preparation. Approach these tasks as collaborative efforts, involving them in the process as much as possible. For example, you can ask for their input on meal planning or involve them in simple household chores.
As your parent becomes more comfortable with the idea of receiving help, gradually increase the level of support provided. This could involve introducing additional services such as personal care assistance, medication management, or companionship visits.
It’s important to move at their pace and respect their boundaries. If they express discomfort or resistance to a particular form of help, take a step back and reassess. Patience and flexibility are key as you navigate this transition together. Sometimes, slowing down is the best way to move forwards.
Never be afraid to seek professional advice for a parent living with dementia
Consulting with healthcare professionals who specialise in dementia care can provide valuable insights and strategies for when a parent with dementia refuses help. These specialists have extensive experience and can offer practical advice on how to communicate effectively with someone who has dementia, ensuring that your interactions are as positive and productive as possible.
Educational workshops for adults with parents who have dementia
Professional guidance often includes access to support groups and resources for families, fostering a community of shared experiences and solutions. This network can be invaluable, providing emotional support and practical tips from others who understand the unique challenges of caring for a parent with dementia. By seeking professional guidance, you can ensure that you are equipped with the knowledge and resources necessary to provide the best possible care for your loved one. At Abbots Care, we provide specialised educational workshop sessions to help families cope with all aspects of dementia and the emotional toll it can take.
How to make the best choice for your parent with dementia
Choosing the right approach when a parent with dementia refuses help can significantly enhance their quality of life and your peace of mind. By understanding the challenges, communicating empathetically, involving them in decisions, and gradually introducing help, you can navigate this difficult situation more effectively.
Exploring options like live-in care, flexible visiting care, or overnight care ensures that your parent can receive the support they need in a manner that respects their dignity and preferences.
Let Us Help
Our made-to-measure service, free home visits, and personalised quotations ensure that you receive the perfect care plan tailored to your specific situation.
Our services are CQC regulated, ensuring high standards of care and safety.
Additionally, we provide a wide range of services, including complex care, , palliative care, support for learning disabilities, and care for children. This comprehensive approach ensures that we can meet diverse needs with tailored, high-quality care solutions.
Contact Abbots Care today to learn more about how we can assist you in finding the best care solution for your loved one.
